There’s a particular feeling that comes with seeing the school’s number flash up on your phone in the middle of the day. If your child finds school hard, you’ll know it. Your stomach drops before you’ve even answered.
Maybe it’s the third call this month. Maybe your child has thrown something, run out of class, or lashed out at another child. Maybe you’ve been asked to collect them early again. And maybe, quietly, you’ve started to wonder whether anyone at that school actually understands them.
If that’s where you are, you’re not a bad parent, and your child isn’t a bad child. Behaviour is nearly always communication. The question is whether the adults around your child are equipped to hear what it’s saying.
Here’s what a good school should be doing to help, and what you can ask for.
Start with understanding, not just consequences
Sanctions on their own rarely change behaviour that comes from anxiety, sensory overload, or a need that hasn’t been spotted. A school that’s genuinely trying to help will want to know why.
Ask for a meeting with the class teacher and the school’s SENCO, the special educational needs co-ordinator. You don’t need a diagnosis to have this conversation. Go in ready to share what you see at home: what sets your child off, what the early signs look like, and what helps them calm down. You know your child better than anyone, and good schools treat that as valuable information rather than an excuse.
Ask for a plan, written down
Once the school has a clearer picture, there should be a plan. It might sit under SEN support, or be a behaviour support plan agreed with you. A good one covers:
- your child’s known triggers, like transitions, noisy corridors or unstructured time
- the early warning signs staff should look out for
- what helps: a calm space, a trusted adult, movement breaks, time to process
- what staff will do if things escalate, and what they won’t do
- how and when you’ll be kept informed
It should be reviewed regularly, and you should be part of that review. If your child’s needs are significant and support isn’t making enough difference, you can ask your local authority for an education, health and care (EHC) needs assessment yourself. You don’t have to wait for the school to do it.
The hard question: what if staff have to hold my child?
This is the one many parents worry about and few feel able to ask.
In England, school staff do have a legal power to use reasonable force to keep children safe, for example to stop a child running into a road or seriously hurting someone. But it should be a last resort, for the shortest time possible, and never a punishment or a way of making a child do as they’re told.
Since 1 April 2026, new Department for Education guidance, Restrictive interventions, including use of reasonable force, in schools, has made things much clearer for families. Schools must now record significant incidents where force is used, and they must tell you about them in writing. The same applies if a child is secluded, meaning kept alone in a room they can’t freely leave.
Training makes the biggest difference
Here’s the part that often gets overlooked. The new guidance expects staff who are likely to need to intervene to be properly trained, not just in safe holds but in the calming and de-escalation skills that should come first.
That matters because a well-trained adult is far less likely to ever need to hold your child. They spot the signs earlier, they know how to give a child space without losing control of the situation, and they stay calm when things get loud. When physical intervention really can’t be avoided, training is what keeps it safe for everyone, your child included.
So it’s completely reasonable to ask:
- Have the staff who work with my child had positive handling training, and when?
- Is it refreshed regularly, or was it a one-off session years ago?
- Does the training focus on preventing incidents, not just managing them?
- Can I see the school’s policy on restrictive interventions?
A school that takes this seriously won’t mind you asking. Most will be glad you did.
Working together
Things tend to go best when there’s one thing in place: home and school on the same side. Agree how you’ll communicate, whether that’s a quick note in a home-school book or a call at the end of a tough day rather than only when something’s gone wrong. Share wins as well as worries.
If something does happen that you’re unhappy about, ask for the written record and a meeting to talk it through. If that doesn’t resolve it, every school has a complaints procedure, and concerns about a child being hurt can go to the school’s designated safeguarding lead.
You’re not on your own
Parenting a child who finds school hard can be exhausting and lonely. But the right support, the right plan, and staff with the right training can change a child’s whole experience of school. You’re well within your rights to ask for all three.
The guidance described here applies to schools in England. Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland have their own rules.
